When I was a child, I had an elf.  He’s pretty cute, but when you’re six, he’s not so cute.  Something about those eyes, that strange protuberance of a nose, that maniacal  grin just sent shivers down my spine.  He had a music box in his torso.  Wind the key sticking painfully from his back, and a jolly tune would play.  The elf would also move about, swaying his head in time to the music.  It was the stuff nightmares were made of.  So I used it to keep my little brother out of my room.  Just sit the elf right in the doorway, and the kid wouldn’t come near.  All my girly stuff was safe from his grubby, destructive, little hands.  Of course, I’m a bit mean and I’d occasionally put it in his bedroom doorway, just for fun.

The past few years, everywhere I turn, Elf on a Shelf dominates the Christmas landscape. I thought about being cheap and just using my own horror-movie elf for the kids, but he’s a bit fragile and my children are like mini tornadoes.  So I knuckled down and bought one of the things.  I’d been reminiscing on 70’s romance novels at the time, so I named him Fabio.

The kids adore him.  Especially 6yo son who delights and finding his location each morning, and making sure he is aware exactly what toys he wants in his stocking this year.  3yo thinks Fabio is a pretty funny guy, but he’s skeptical about his tattle-tale skills when it comes to Santa.  He’s more interested in going to the big guy himself and cutting out the middle man.

Fabio has a lot of time on his hands, since the kids sleep at night and are at school all day.  I’ve caught him in several compromising positions, and I’m beginning to wonder if Santa actually sent him.  Could be that he’s working for that Krampus guy instead. (Don’t know Krampus?  Check out my blog post here.)  He’s put a severe dent into my booze supply, and had a DWI with the jeep.  He’s luckily Santa decided not to press charges.

Barbie’s been pretty lonely since Sweetie banished her to my dresser last summer, so I wasn’t surprised to see her coming on to the new man about town.  Note how Fabio’s gaze doesn’t seem to stray above her collarbone.  Not that she’s acting any better.  Slut.

Nevertheless, I was a bit shocked to download pictures from my SD card and find this one.  I’m wondering if that’s Barbie’s “O” face, cause I think she’s had a lot of Botox lately.  Naughty elf.  Least he could do is take his hat off during sex.

Is your Elf on a Shelf a bad boy too?  Please share his or her antics.